"You can't play with us".

Are these the most traumatic words for a child to hear at school? 

A child hearing these words will often interpret them to mean one of the following (or to reach any of a multitude of other conclusions):

“We don’t like you.”

“We aren’t going to play with you ever again.”

“You aren’t nice.”

“You are not fun to play with.”

Speaking personally, I was lucky enough not to come across this much at school, but the one day when I was socially exiled still lives fresh in my memory over 30 years later. 

Often the ‘one versus many’ dynamic can be intoxicating for those in the ‘in-crowd’, and typically in a school context, they do not feel empowered to speak out, and risk being exiled themselves. 

The beauty of NVC is that it seeks to hear and understand all parties involved, without judgment. It doesn’t seek to condemn the child uttering the words as ‘bad’, or ‘unkind’. 

With curiosity we might discover that a particular game is only suited to two players (for example, chess), or that the child being told they can’t join in, has previously behaved in a way that wasn’t enjoyable for the others. Perhaps the speaker was previously upset by similar treatment and is wanting to regain some sense of power. 

Whatever the drivers for the behaviour, understanding those needs and feelings helps us to shift away from judgment, to supporting with meeting those needs.

The magic that happens when two children, who would otherwise have been at loggerheads, come to understand each other’s needs and feelings and can creatively come up with solutions which leave everyone feeling contented. 

It may mean a child cannot join a particular game, but for them to leave understanding that this isn’t them ‘losing a friend forever’, or facing perpetual social isolation, feels much less traumatic, and worlds away from the fear that might usually arise.

Children who feel heard, have an increased sense of belonging and safety – those are absolutely crucial for engaging in meaningful learning. 

Can you think of a time when a personal conflict disrupted your ability to work, learn or think to the best of your potential?